on loving Charlie Brown

I would never, in a million years, say I had a “normal childhood.”  Now, I know that there are people that have had it FAR worse off than I did.  I mean, all that I REALLY faced was packing up my life and moving every couple of years…saying goodbye to my friends, switching to a new school and starting a new life…
I guess it really isn’t that simple…but we will go with that for now.

What I WAS really, REALLY lucky to grow up with was a close-knit family unit.  Yes, I yelled a lot about how my brother GOT everything and I had to buy it for myself.  How I worked through high school and he had money handed to him through high school.  How from fourth grade through high school he lived in the same place, when I…in that same time span went to 4 different schools in 3 different states…but, like I said…it is what it is…

It is why I am the way I am.

The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how I grew up.  Things I loved when I was little, things I still love now.  Memories.  Life experiences I have had because my parents, my dad in particularly was so intentional teaching me things that he loved and doing things that were fun for him.

THINGS THAT MY DAD DOES NOT LIKE.
Big box stores- don’t even try to use puppy-dog eyes to get him to go to Wal-Mart to go school supply shopping…he hates it there…I think it is because he gets lost in the store and used to be scared he would lose us in the store…

Making left turns- he will make three right ones to avoid a left turn…it is true.

AND…I think that is all I can think of…I don’t really remember my dad being too negative growing up…except there was that one time…

You know, when I left my backpack on top of the negatives chest…and my backpack ended up first on the driveway in the rain…and then in the pool…temper, temper…dad had to pay for those library books that were SOAKED (and a new graphing calculator) but moving on…because this post was supposed to be about something else entirely.

Over the past week my dad has posted a number of pictures on facebook that made me smile.  They are just simple little pictures of items he has collected over the years that he particularly enjoys.  You know, expensive porcelain figurines…and art made out of cigar boxes, and bottle caps…the whole spectrum…

MAKING VALENTINES- as much as I begged my dad to buy growing up…I am certain I enjoyed hand-making Valentines for my class more than filling out those “to” and “from” lines.  In later years this was replaced by making my mailbox for the J-Room Valentines celebration...

SUNDAY COMICS- This is why I decided to write today.  My dad posted a blog about Charlie Brown and Charles Schultz this morning.  He saw a “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown” dinner show last night…apparently it was pretty bad…but it made him think and write about Charlie Brown.  You know, the BLOCKHEAD…the guy whose kite is perennially stuck in the tree, the football is always yanked from his kick…and the ball ALWAYS falls just beside his glove.  I love Charlie Brown.  I always have.  I would ask my dad for the comics in EVERY newspaper.  It took me a really long time to learn that The New York Times did NOT have comics…and it was REALLY the New Jersey Star Ledger I wanted….First I would sit as my dad read the comics to me…and then as I got older I remember trying to read them to him…but reading the comics out loud is kind of an awkward thing if you are not both looking at the illustrations.  It went something like this.  “Well, Charlie Brown is sitting outside the house and Snoopy is laying on top of the dog house and there is one Woodstock in the picture and Charlie Brown says to Snoopy ‘blah blah blah’ “ It didn’t really matter what the dialogue was in the comic strip…but it took about 14 minutes to read an 8 panel comic because I thought it was necessary to fully explain the picture in each panel.  Some days my dad smiled and nodded.  Some days he feigned interest…but I very fondly remember those Sunday mornings…sometimes I even got up early enough to start the coffee and make him a cup…with half and half and sweet n low.

It feels kind of wrong to say it, but I loved that feeling on Sunday…not having anywhere to go…no Sunday school…whatever I could have been taught in those 2 or 3 hours at temple seems minimal compared to time with my dad.  It feels wrong that I now work in a place that takes those moments away from kids and their dad.  Sunday school sucks…okay… back to reminiscing…

FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS- my favorite with my dad!

READING TOGETHER AT NIGHT- We went to the library a LOT when I was little.  I had the speak and spell and the easy reader…all kinds of electronics that robotically told me what words I punched sounded like.  At one point I thought I knew how to read “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish” but I actually had memorized it, because my dad read it to me so many times.  I know my mom read to me a TON…especially when I was really little…she stayed home with me and we went to the park…but I really remember my dad reading to me at night.  Back to the library…we would go all the time…and it seems like every time we went I left with a stack of books.  The same stack of books I had returned just a few days earlier.  My dad read me The Five Chinese Brothers and Ping the Duck and Tikki Tikki Tembo…We read those books about forty two million times each.  We had this little five and dime in Maplewood by the diner where I sometimes got to go and pick out books.  They were literally like a nickel or a dime.  I picked out the Illiad or the Odyssey when I was in like 1st grade…it was a comic version…and I remember making my dad read it to me at night.  I have NO idea what it was about then…but I knew we were reading together.  As I became a more voracious reader…that time with dad at night diminished…and I soon began reading on my own.  I would read before he came to tuck me in…and then with a flashlight for hours after he turned off the light…especially once I got my own room up in the attic (around 2nd grade?)  I love reading books my dad recommends.  I have a very different taste in books.  He loves Vonnegut and Dickens, Business books about sharks and marketing.  I did like Blink…but I would rather read the hot sellers…NYT Bestseller…or really the book with the prettiest cover (yeah, I do judge books by their jackets…it has served me pretty well).  I value reading…It is not easy for me…it takes me a long time to plug through a book and really comprehend them…but thanks dad, I really do enjoy it...

TECHNIQUE OF THE WEEK-  This was my favorite time of the week…I think he liked it at first…but as soon as I came up with a chant to demand some personal attention and art time, it became less of a highlight and more of a burden.  Early Saturday morning (probably too early Saturday morning) I could be heard chanting “teck-neek OF-THE-WEEK” over and over and over and over AND OVER again, until my dad conceded in some form to teach me something artistic.  I learned how to make masks out of gallon milk jugs and paper mache monstrosities, we took paper and crayons out around the neighborhood and made rubbings of sewer grates, drains, tree bark, and one Saturday I think we went to a cemetery and made rubbings of gravestones.  Often, seasonally the technique would be making the aforementioned Valentines cards, carving pumpkins or producing hundreds of family holiday cards.  Some weekends when my dad would not cave to a design project…or maybe even when he did and I was just bored, I would ask my dad to grade my handwriting.  I would sit and meticulously write upper case, lower case, upper case, lower case and when I had made my way from A to Z I brought them in for him to “grade.”  My stylistic expression of bubble-dotted I’s or flourished y tails usually got me points off…and even though I knew they were not technically “right” I would get irritated he graded me down…I also used to have my dad judge my coloring book pictures and grade how well I stayed inside the lines…I was a weird kid…but he always smiled and obliged…

HOMEMADE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES- remember technique of the week?  Well, usually the end of September, early October weekends were filled with creating elaborate Halloween costumes.  I was a bag of Jelly Beans one year…dad’s dry cleaning bag and some blown up balloons…I couldn’t sit down at school…I was a butterfly one year…we used my preschool art paintings to cover cardboard wings…come to think of it…that might have just been a project, not a costume…because I think that was the year my brother was born and right after “The Lindsey Room” was dis-assembled of my wall to wall artwork.  I definitely had my years of being a witch, a ballerina, a vampire…but I was the Empire State Building one year (paper mache boxes…REALLY heavy and I couldn’t get my arms around to the front to hold my trick or treat bag) and then there was the year I was an ATM… we did crayon rubbings at a Nations Bank in Raleigh to get the design just right (see the convergence of all of these techniques of the week pre-Google image search!)  Halloween was my favorite holiday with my dad…costumes, carving pumpkins, trick-or-treating…One of the hardest days of my life was when he left Maplewood for Los Angeles to start a new job…on Halloween…he missed trick or treating…I was in like 1st grade…how the heck does that still make me teary eyed.

ART DIRECTING THE HOLIDAY CARD and the family photo shoots from HELL- art directing….the best time of the year.  Photo day…misery!  I remember my dad used to go up to the attic to work on the card alone.  I remember the year with gold tape.  I remember the year he let me draw it all and photocopied it for the masses.  I remember the first year dad sent store-bought cards.  Now though, I look back and having those pictures from the first 25 years of my life as a family…all in black and white…and beautiful…I am thankful for those miserable 6 hour long, 10 rolls of film to get just the right shot…

I don’t know…I joke sometimes that I love my dad more than my mom.  I know it is not true.  I think I am just CLOSER to my dad than my mom…I like the things he likes.  I get the things he gets.  I enjoy doing nothing and anything with him.

Charles Schultz narrated once that “big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.” But my dad ALWAYS reminded me that one day my LITTLE brother would be a LOT bigger than me (he is 6ft PLUS) and that he could be my best friend…dispite our nearly 4.5 year age difference.  I am so thankful he always reminded me how important our relationship is and will always be!

You know, my dad wrote this blog today about Charlie Brown and Charles Schultz…that is really what made me think about loving the comic, and reading them with my dad, and all the other things I love doing with him...

You’re a good man Charlie Brown
You’re the kind of reminder we need
You’ve got humility, nobility and a sense of honor
that is very rare indeed

My dad is kinda like Charlie Brown.  He might not venture to say it quite like that, he prefers "go Bundy's"…but he really is.  It doesn’t matter how many times the ball gets yanked, he sets up to try and kick it again.  It doesn’t matter how many times the kite gets stuck in the tree…he tries to fly it again next weekend.  It doesn’t matter how many times the baseball team looses it in the bottom of the 9th, he always goes out to play again…and just like Charlie Brown—he is the one rallying the troops and motivating them to have a good game out there, team.

I am a better person because he helped me become this way.

Go Bundy’s.

And since I am thinking about Charlie Brown…I think we can also conclude with a bit of Happiness…

CHARLIE BROWN:
(Spoken)
I'm so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.
It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil.
She's human! It hasn't been such a bad day after all.

(Sung)
HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.

SNOOPY:
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE

LINUS:
TELLING THE TIME.

SCHROEDER:
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.

LINUS:
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

SALLY:
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.

CHARLIE BROWN:
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.

LUCY:
KNOWING A SECRET.

SCHROEDER:
CLIMBING A TREE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.

SCHROEDER:
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

ALL:
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

LINUS:
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.

LUCY:
SHARING A SANDWICH.

LUCY AND LINUS:
GETTING ALONG.

ALL:
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.

CHARLIE BROWN:
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

(The cast filters out, waving "good night" to Charlie Brown, but Lucy stays, 
and and stands in silence for a moment before finally saying:)

LUCY:
You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

- He smiles, and the lights go down -

on quotations and reflections

July 16, 2011

I am feeling kind of lost.  I am at this crazy crossroads in so many aspects of my life.  I don’t know really what I am thinking and everything I am feeling changes each day.  There have been times in my life that I have found confidence and assurance and true strength in my surroundings.  It is not just one place, though I cannot lie there is one place that has worked its magic more than once…but as I grow up, and grow away from those phases and places in my life I find it is much more of a struggle to identify what it is that helps me rejuvenate and be the best possible version of my self.

I have not been that person in a really long time.

I am starting to forget what it means to be that way, to feel that selflessness. 

It seems odd that the best version of my SELF is self-less…but it is…and I think I feel like I am so selfish, because I am CONSTANTLY searching for something to make ME feel better.

I am constantly failing.  It feels like that anyway.

I came home tonight conflicted and struggling.  I don’t know why it came up tonight.  I am not even PMSing or anything.  I just think too much.  I am in my head.  Everything seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks when it happens.  I know what is happening around me, but when presented with a new or different situation I turn my head and it feels like, “whoa…where did that come from?”  Even though I was fully aware of what was occurring alongside my existence.

I want to write

I want things to flow easily.

It took looking through a file of quotes and pictures and writing those statements below to even clear my head and straighten my thoughts enough to process anything.  And this hasn’t been much…

Much of your growth as a person will come through hardships and challenges.  Embrace those and know you will be better, stronger and wiser because of them.

-Beatrice

it is a fact of life, there will always be struggles and challenges.  I feel like nobody knows the challenges I face.  I hide them.  I smile and nod.  I hide my feelings and I don’t know that I feel like I am growing anymore.  It scares me to think I am not learning anymore…but is it because I have closed my eyes to it?  I don’t know where to look?  I don’t have anything new to look at?  Who knows…

1.    the path is not straight.

2.    Mistakes need not be fatal.

3.    People are more important that achievements or possessions.

4.    Be gentle with your parents.

5.    Never stop doing what you care most about.

6.    Learn to use a semicolon.

7.    You will find love.

-marion winik

It is so hard to know all of this cognitively…and not really know how to process it all…I get it…no I do not know how to use a semicolon but I do know that it is not supposed to be easy.  We would not know joy if there was not also pain.  We would never learn if we never had the opportunity to make mistakes safely.  I agree with number 3 and 4…duh, and then I get to number 5 and I stumble.  What if I already stopped doing what I cared most about?  How do I know I didn’t?  What if I can never get back there?  What if I don’t even know that I was there?  I failed to stop and look around.  Who knows…

love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

There is that selfish thing again…

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

-woody allen

I want to be innovative.  I am unique, right?  It is fine to think about this…but there is a reality to failure though…there is the recovery.  Every time I fail, I fall farther.  Every time you don’t succeed it becomes harder to try again.

you matter in this world

To someone.  Somewhere.   I just wish I knew my place in this world.  You know, the BIGGER picture…

thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  happiness never decreases by being shared.

-buddha

this yelled at me today…for no reason other than candlelight was Thursday night…just on my mind at the moment…thinking a lot about those quiet songs that settle my spirit and remind me to dance even though I can’t, sing at the top of my lungs and to share beauty and joy with others whenever I can.  I want to find a time and space, a place in the present that makes me feel the way I felt when I could live so selflessly.  Tonight I got a text message from that place of strength and support…a message that said essentially that their CILT this session was a camper I had for starter camp in cabin 43.  Friends, in 2005 we were short SICs for Starter Camp so I happily moved into a cabin for the week.   It is silly, but that little reminder of a simple need and a decision that was in the best interest of others just reminds me that I never get to do that anymore.

I don’t feel like it anyway.

It is interesting.  I work in a religious institution.  I “work Jewish” and I never feel as spiritual, as observant, as holy, as close to God as I have felt there.  I don’t know how to shake that feeling.  It is nagging on my shoulders…always.

close your eyes

clear your heart

let it go

I try.  I really do!  It is a blessing and a curse to have the memory I have.

keep your dreams alive.  understand that to achieve anything requires faith and belief in god (and yourself too) remember to include vision, hard work, prayer, determination, and dedication and the fact that all things are possible to those who believe.

This seems like the statement you would see at a Christian camp…odd hey, that I am the one that sees this as a great reminder.  I know that anything is possible.  I just don’t know why it is that I just can’t seem to believe…in anything, mostly in my self.  It is hard to believe in yourself when the support system doesn’t even know…because I continue to put a smile on my face, I smile, I nod.  I want to believe.  Why can’t I?

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I am so blessed that I don’t think I have been tested there yet…I have challenges…we all do…but I know I have it much easier than SO many…I don’t think I know yet how strong I have to be…

Life is about creating yourself

Who do I want to be?

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.

So how should I know when to create a safety net…and when to let things hit rock bottom?  How rock bottom is too rock bottom?  When is it okay to start picking things back up and trying to piece them together…maybe not BACK together…but into something new, a mosaic maybe?

WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL?

I know but I don’t want to share…because I don’t want to fail…and I still think I could…

Only she who attempts the absurd, can achieve the impossible.

How absurd is too absurd?  Is there really an impossible?

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

I wish I had the courage…maybe I do…

Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  Since birth, it has always been a sign that you’re alive.

But it makes me feel so weak.  And alone.  And defeated.  And broken.  And fragmented. More than anything though it leaves me in a place I don’t know where I am and how to get back where I want to be.  I cry when my tanks are empty and I don’t know how or where to fill them up.

Who would have thought it would end up like this?

Who knows how it really will end…this is not the end…it never really is, maybe just a momentary stopping point…a pause to decide where we go from here…

on family, my name and getting it...kinda...

It has been a really long time since I have attended a Morgan Family gathering, the extended Morgan Family that is…so long, I am sad to report I don’t think I can even recall the last time more than 2 or 3 of us were together. 

I know Uncle Greg stopped just a few months ago when he saw me in the parking lot at work, and  his son Wes is friends with the brothers of one of my youth groupers.  I might cross paths with Wes or Matthew 5 or 10 times a week in our small South Tampa community.  For all I know Wes and I could be standing at the same bar ordering drinks every now and then…

I remember a visit from Uncle Sundance to St. Louis, maybe, when I was in high school?  That was at least 12 or 13 years ago now.

I think the last time I saw Jim, we were living in Miami and we had Thanksgiving on Key Biscane…we beat Kunkle butt playing street football and Mary made Stouffers mac and cheese for Ben…because he was still an incredibly picky eater those days…not much has changed.

I honestly though don’t remember the last time I saw most of The Morgan Family. 

I remember when I was in preschool or early elementary school my dad teaching me the names of all of his siblings and memorizing them in age order…I guess the way he ran through them in his head as well.

Jimmy, Lynn, Wes, Greg, Dan, Rob

I had to include my dad in that list to remember everyone.

But…then I had to learn that Jimmy was really Sundance and Lynn was really Mary Lynn and Wes and Greg, though a year apart graduated together, and Dan took pictures and Rob would always be the youngest, no matter how old they all got.  AND THEN look at the baby and childhood pictures—they all looked the same with those HUGE coke bottle glasses!

I can give you the names…

Sundance and Iris have no kids (he was married once before her I think and Iris is a twin, something I always thought was kinda cool!)

Lynn has two sons Jimmy and Philip (both older than me)  Jimmy is now married with a beautiful daughter.  My dad, it seems, has always been close to Jimmy.

Wes, my dad is still married to my mom and my brother and I continue to plug along in our own little bubbles.  My little brother is engaged to be married sometime soon-ish…

Greg was married to Donda and had two sons, Wesley (named after my dad ) and Matthew (born on my dad’s birthday) but he is now remarried to Ellen and has 2 step-kids too…

Dan has now married his second wife Annette (no kids)

Rob has been married to Joy for almost as long as my parents have been married and they have 3 kids.  Megan, Tara and Kevin…I don’t know if I have ever met any of them.

You know what, come to think of it…I don’t think I have ever been in a situation where I was in the same place as my dad and his 5 siblings.  If I was, I certainly don’t remember it.  I only have fuzzy memories of my one visit to that stately home on Lake Eerie where my dad grew up.  I only know that place in pictures.  I remember playing with a red and blue electronic toy in a room upstairs.  I think the toy looked like a nutcracker.  I only vaguely remember visiting the house on Key Biscane with my family and Greg’s.  I remember spending more time swimming that visit than anything else.  I think most of those memories are from pictures though.

I don’t have lots of memories of The Morgan Family from growing up.  I remember a lot of everything…so I remember the stories my dad has told me…but it seems almost trivial now.

My dad saw all of his siblings last week.  I don’t know if he remembers the last time that happened.  When I saw the picture, ironically posted on facebook, I was honestly taken aback to see all 6 siblings standing there smiling with their father just in front.

Kevin, the youngest cousin on our dad’s side graduated from high school last week…but that is not what brought the masses together.

My dad’s mom died last week and it hurts a lot that it doesn’t really hurt.  I mean, that sounds wrong…and really is wrong…it hurts, but not the way I think it should.  I don’t feel like I lost something in my life.  Mary Francis Lawton Morgan did not play a big role in my life, but regardless of that—she was a huge part of my life. 

My heart hurt and my stomach churned 15 months ago when I found out two women I had grown up with, friends of my grandmother, parents of my mom’s friends passed away those cold February days…just hours apart.

When I woke to an email obituary from my dad announcing his 89 year old mother had passed away I surmised that was the cause for 3 early-morning missed calls on my cell from my mom.  I called her casually.  She confirmed her reason for calling.  I was not upset…not until I thought about the prospect of not being there for my dad.

This was in fact his mother…his one and only mother…and despite or maybe more accurately in spite of our non-existent relationship, it is because of her my dad is the man he is, why I am inherently the person I have become.

I have learned more about Mary Morgan in her death than I think I knew of her in life.

My dad is a great, succinct writer.  I am not.  I write where my head goes.  I use ellipses, unnecessary commas and strange punctuation.  Sometimes when I start writing I have no idea where I am going to end up.  Sometimes I start with one intention in mind and end up elsewhere entirely.  Most of the time I write with meaning, I don’t know why I feel the need to write.  I just do.

I don’t feel like I should be writing any great epic story of why family is important or how I can love my dad’s mom in spite of her seeming lack of care for me (or my brother—but my feelings are mine and not to be displaced on to him) my life, my successes, my growth, my achievements…I can’t say any of that because it is not true.  I didn’t know the woman to love her.

What I CAN share is what has been ruminating in my head and my heart since I read that email just over one week ago.

MANY years ago I sat in a session with one of my favorite teachers (MAF) and was walked through a process that left us discussing THE VALUE OF OUR NAMES.  In Judaism traditionally you name your children after someone that has passed away as an honor to their memory.  You hope that child will possess the qualities and characteristics so many loved about the person or people that have passed away.   I always got uncomfortable talking about my name.  Lindsey Lawton Morgan…well Lindsey is after my great grandfather Lou, but also a combination of Lynn and Wesley, my parents…Lawton was always a challenge for me though.  First off…when I was younger we lived in the northeast and all of my friends had middle names like Sarah and Rachel and Marissa and Beth…Nobody had “weird” maiden name middle names. “ Lawton is the maiden name of my dad’s mother,” I would always say.  “Your grandmother, you mean…” people would reply.  This would invite a conversation about how yes Mary was my grandmother…but I never really did those grandmotherly things with her…I don’t think I ever thought about calling Mary grandma vs. granny vs. grandmother…I mean, Jim and Mary were always just Jim and Mary.

I didn’t think about any of this really until I thought about this all through the lens of my dad.  No matter how I felt about her or our relationship…this woman was still my dad’s one and only mom.

She worked hard to raise 6 kids.

She earned a masters degree after 40.

She was active in the community.

She loved theater.

She encouraged my dad and his siblings to try new things.

            They played sports like hockey and football

                        Even though my dad was the runt!

            They explored different art expressions

                        Like painting

                        Like writing

                        Like photography.

                        Like music.

            They all ventured to different places in search of continuing education

                        My dad to Miami, Sundance to the military and “real world”

She made religious education a priority.

            Even if the nuns made my dad pee his pants…

I, for the first time see the things I love most about my dad and the relationship I have with him as a direct reflection of her.

I grew up listening to Broadway Showtunes...not on the family piano…but on the record player.

I begged for technique of the week all day Saturday and Sunday.

I thank God ALL the time for the cute little Irish nose and the genes that made it so.

My parents met because my dad went to Miami.

I know my parents love each other…through thick and thin…they WERE tested from the beginning…

I don’t know…I am who I am because he is who he is…and he is that way because she was who she was…

So I think now for the first time I can appreciate it….

I think more now than ever before I am proud to carry on the name…

Maybe I didn’t know her in life, but maybe this was meant to open our eyes and encourage us to take advantage of the time we do have…spend more time together….embrace the now…don’t sweat the small stuff…all those cliché’s.

It is what it is.

on being offered money to go back to college...COOL!

So, it has been months since I have posted...I know, I know...I slacked big time in December and January...to be honest...I tried to write a lot...I have a handful of half-posts written...maybe I will finish them...but, to be honest...I have a hard time writing when I can not be fully honest about what I am thinking and feeling...and December and January...I had to censor a lot of my thoughts in writing I would have posted on the interwebs...so...to make up for that...here is a second post today...it is not original for the web...it is the essay I submitted that ultimately led to the honor of receiving a scholarship to study in the Nonprofit Management Certificate Program at The University of Tampa...I think it is pretty clear what my passions are...

enjoy!

Through this scholarship program, the University of Tampa and the Nonprofit Leadership Center of Tampa Bay aims to identify and engage entering students who have demonstrated an exceptional potential to serve as thoughtful, innovative leaders in the social sector. Please compose an essay that addresses the following question: How will you build on your experience in the social sector to enrich the Tampa Bay community? (500-700 words)

I have been incredibly fortunate to experience the social sector from multiple vantage points.  I have worked, in some capacity, for nonprofit organizations for the better part of the last ten years.  As I have advanced in my career, working for local branches, regions and on a North American level for the same nonprofit organization, I have gained skills and tools that will certainly aid me in enriching the Tampa Bay community.  I have been most fortunate to gain first-hand understanding of the world teens today have been born into and what hurdles present themselves as they work to reach their dreams.

One thing that has continually challenged me is addressing some of the needs of the population with which I work.  I know that I have a remarkable opportunity to work with teenagers in a mentor role. Yet, I am determined to apply the skills I have and the knowledge I hope to acquire through this program to create sustainable programming that answers a deficiency I have noticed in the teen population: There is a gap for teens that are just getting by.  The teens in the middle, not the stars and not the struggling, often do not get the assistance they need and the encouragement they deserve to be the best version of themselves.  I want to take the knowledge I posses and the skills this program can provide me and offer additional opportunities for these teens in the Tampa Bay community that will encourage them to reach higher and recognize the talents they possess.

Each and every person has something they are good at.  During the teen years it is imperative that these talents are noticed by someone.  It is often not a parent but another trusted adult in the life of a teen that encourages and cultivates a talent or passion.  The teen years are years of rapid growth and change; teen empowerment is set in direct contradiction to restrictions placed upon them by parents, schools and our culture.  One of the greatest struggles teens face is figuring out how to navigate a new world, being mindful of the restrictions that accompany increasing freedom.  My years of experience paired with this education and opportunity to offer new and dynamic programs could answer an unfulfilled need in the community.  Currently we offer programs for “troubled teens” and for “shining stars,” but often the average teens that fall in the middle, especially academically, get lost in the cracks. A place or program where teens are paired with adults that are invested in them and dedicated to helping them succeed, is something I dream of creating.

As a Youth Director, I have come to know the power and influence we can have on teens, who in turn give back in a way that is remarkable.  In answering this question I return over and over to one teen in particular whom I have had the privilege to mentor for the past five years.  Upon graduating from high school this teen academically-average set his sights on a degree in Psychology while suppressing a true desire to study music.  He packed his bags for University and through regular check-ins it became apparent that he was unhappy studying what others thought he should, not following his true desire--though it may ultimately prove more difficult.  Now three years into his undergraduate studies in music, in a top-ranked music program he has been cast in graduate-level operas, sings in a prestigious a capella group and has set his sights on singing on large stages worldwide.  I know I will smile in the near future and proudly declare “I knew him when...”

It is my ultimate goal to cultivate relationships and provide a forum for interaction between more teens and mentors.  If I were given the opportunity to share my passion and supplement my knowledge through this program, I would make every effort to develop connections between Tampa Bay community leaders and teens who could benefit from additional mentoring, attention, time and skill development.  My years of experience in the social sector working with teens makes me realize not only how much I have learned, but that it is my responsibility to do all I can to better equip the teens in our community.

on getting accepted to college...again!

As most of you know, I think...December 8th I met with an admissions counselor at The University of Tampa to find out information about the programs offered at UT for someone considering a Masters Degree, especially someone looking to stay in the nonprofit sector.  Well, on December 8th I found out that the application deadline for a program I would LOVE to do was December 15th...so I went to work.  I bought a GMAT book (I am plugging my way through it) and I started to apply for the program.  It is not much of a secret, I made my college decision based on being in North Carolina--and being close to Camp...so, it is conservative to say I was scared whether I would be accepted to the program.  I have not been a student in 6 years...I have not written for other people to read what I was writing for 6 years...but if I don't apply, I will never know...So, I submitted all of my material by December 15th (in a week, yeah...I know...considerably less time than I took writing college essays the first time around.) and frantically contacted 2 prior supervisors to write me letters of recommendation.

January 18th the committee met. (about acceptance and a scholarship opportunity)
January 24th I received online notification that I was accepted to the Certificate Program in Nonprofit Management.
January 28th I received scholarship notification.
January 29th I received "the big envelope"

Today, I share with you my personal statement submitted for entry.  I hope it gives a little picture for all I don't speak with as ofter about the program, what I hope to do...and what the next few months of my life will look like.

If you would like to take a look at the actual program...you can find the information

http://www.ut.edu/graduate/nonprofit/

but...without further ado...

"As a Youth Director working with 3rd through 12th grade students in a nonprofit setting, I see firsthand how the programs we provide help enrich the lives of our students.  We live in an increasingly complicated and challenging world.  There are electronic forces that infiltrate every second of every minute of our waking lives.  I am proud to offer a respite from the fast-paced world in which teens live and have been raised.  I have witnessed the struggles our teens face and I want to better equip myself to provide an opportunity to serve these teens, many of whom fall through the cracks, because they are not “problem teens.”  The programs offered at The University of Tampa are paramount in accomplishing this goal.  The interactions I have with my teens regularly afford me an opportunity for personal educational moments; however, the next step on my journey is the participation and completion of the cohort-based Certificate in Nonprofit Management ultimately partnered with the Masters of Business Administration.  

I expect the courses, cohort-based group education and project-based learning offered by The University of Tampa throughout the duration of the Certificate program, to increase my ability to function in an ever-changing nonprofit workplace environment.  I have experienced the practical aspects of nonprofit work on various levels in my years since completing my undergraduate degree.  I have managed budgets, promoted programs, developed connections with members of the community and empowered members of our programs to give back to the organization from which they have grown.  It is now time for me to fortify my practical work experience with a strong graduate level business education.  The University of Tampa program is the only one I have found that would allow me to continue working in my current capacity while taking advantage of classes in both non-profit management, a true passion of mine, and learning the practical business know-how that will only further my success in the field.

Working in a youth-centered nonprofit environment I have been presented with unimaginable situations in which I have had to quickly make critical decisions.  I have had to evaluate the most effective methods of communication for parents as well as teens and adapt my understanding of professional correspondence to address the current social norms.  I bring skills and understanding of social networking and developing media to the table and a willingness to explain the use and benefit of said platforms.  I am the first one to admit I do what I do because I learn from my teens every single day.  The lessons I learn from the parents of participants have truly afforded me even more opportunity for growth.  My years of experience in the field have given me countless opportunities to interface with lay-leadership and volunteer boards.  I understand the the reality of balancing the desires of volunteers and lay-leaders versus the practical day to day operation of a nonprofit program.  I bring a practical knowledge of large-scale event planning from initial brainstorm through execution for groups from 5 to 1500 participants.  I have aided and assisted in programming and fundraising from the ground level and I am willing to to put the work into a project to ensure success.

I consider myself most fortunate to have worked in the nonprofit world and to have experienced the  volunteer side of nonprofit organizations as well.  Growing up attending a YMCA summer camp and ultimately serving as a summer staff member afforded me opportunities in more recent years to volunteer as a coordinator for local Annual Fund call drives and to serve as a liaison to ‘young alumni’ in the Atlanta and Metropolitan DC Communities.  I have learned from this volunteer experience that there are many ways to be a part of giving as a volunteer in the nonprofit sector and I would love to capitalize on this understanding in a more professional capacity as well.  The reality, in the challenging economic climate in which we live, is that donors are not always able to give in the same capacity and as nonprofit organizations we need to think differently at times and accept gifts of time and talent as well as treasures, in the means of monetary donations.

My experiences as a volunteer and professional staff member are the result of serving different organizations, however I am thankful to have had varied levels of involvement that provide a more complete picture of the social sector.  I am certain the opportunity to study as a part of the cohort in Nonprofit Management at The University of Tampa and ultimately as an MBA degree candidate will help fortify the experiences I have had to date.  I am excited for the opportunity to interact with new people and to learn from their dynamic experiences in different nonprofit settings while offering my experience and unique perspective.  When I graduated in 2004, I knew I would eventually pursue a degree on the graduate level.  At 22 years old I was unsure of what I wanted to do and I could not articulate the desires I had for the future beyond accepting my first job and entering the work-force.  I am certain I would have traveled down a different path if I had forged through directly to graduate school.  Taking time away from formal education and experiencing the “real world” work environment has left me certain that the nonprofit sector is my passion.  I have spent time in the field and I understand my need to fully grasp the practical business behind the services offered from nonprofit organizations and I know it is time for me to return to the academic environment to fine-tune my skills.  The programs offered at The University of Tampa are the key to my continued success.  I look forward to having an opportunity to contribute to this academic community and to give as much as I gain from the courses and programs offered."