on the next great thing

What will be YOUR Space Jam?

The very first thing I do most mornings is take my phone off the charger and check my email.  It is a horrible habit and I really kinda hate that I routinely check both my personal email and work email before 8am most mornings—and then I check Facebook.  DAMN SMARTPHONE.  (sometimes I wish I still had a stupid phone.)  Now, I usually just delete the spam and look over what is in the inbox, I don’t read the emails or posts, I just like to know what the day has in store for me.

This morning I noticed an email from the best…a forwarded tweet from someone I don’t follow crediting one of her favorites, Lin Manuel Miranda…okay, I am sure it will be something showtune-y.  I’ll check that out later, I thought.  I proceeded on to my usual facebook check…and there was this link posted by numerous people—before 8am.

I get to work and decide to check out what all the hype is about this video…Kid President made me cry before 9am this morning.

Okay, I think it is pretty important to note that I am kinda on the verge of tears ALL-THE-TIME right now, and I am not sure why, but…that is neither here nor there.

So, Kid President is talking to us about what we need to do—we need to never give up.  “What if Michael Jordan gave up?” (then he quips, well…he did give up, he retired…but what about high school?  If he had given up in high school-we would have never had SPACE JAM…and I love Space Jam.)

“WHAT WILL BE YOUR SPACE JAM?” –Kid President

You know what, I wish I knew what would be my Space Jam.  I think Kid President hit one of my very extended nails on the very broad head this morning.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO GO FROM HERE.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I know I love what I do.  I think I am pretty good at it too.  There are a handful of kids turned friends that reaffirm that the relationships built doing what I do CAN transcend the short 4 years…I am SO appreciative of those relationships!

But, where do I go from here?  What will be my next “great thing?”

Ideas and suggestions humbly accepted!

If you haven’t watched it yet—check out Kid President 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gQLqv9f4o

for now,
LM

On 6 LIFE CHANGING months

I need to be better about writing more…

It has been ages since I have written for anyone to see…

I should really blog more…

All of these thoughts float in and out of my head on a regular timetable—far more frequently than I would ever admit to anyone…but most often I chalk not writing up to not having enough time, not having the right way to say what it is I want to say, or frankly—not thinking that anyone really wants to read what I have to say anyway.  I write for myself mostly I suppose, so I guess I shouldn’t care about that last part.  The last 6 months have been pretty darn dynamic though and I guess I should take a minute to pause as I have reached a pretty cool place on this latest adventure, and I have heard from quite a few people I have been HORRIBLE about staying in touch with who have expressed tremendous support and encouragement…so I guess, blog away I will…

June 16, 2012 
…is a day that changed my life in a way I never could have imagined.  RCD and I decided to go on a little “gym shopping” trip as two new (one very large and one very small) gyms were planning to open right around the corner from my office.  We started at the very large one…in presale.  Then we went to the very small one…also in presale.  The very large one had a little storefront and floor plans and hundreds of machines on the blueprint.  Two middle aged salesmen droned on about their elite club.  We walked out.  The very small one had a tent and some folding chairs in their parking lot.  It was June, it was hot, and three very excited and energetic fitness professionals explained what their gym was all about.  They talked to me about high intensity interval training, heart rate monitors, treadmills and rowing machines.  They were so excited about the construction occurring in their building and the large 18 days until open posters promised they would be ready in just over two weeks.  I was skeptical.  Nabilah and Troy told me all there was to tell me, and in the end Troy told me “I am not going to sell you on this, go ahead and think about it.  Here is my card, we will be here until 6pm.”  I left the parking lot of Orangetheory Fitness- South Tampa.  Chris and I went out to lunch…but I could not stop thinking about everything they had said.  We finished eating.  I turned around and walked back up to Troy in that parking lot and signed the agreement (in presale, with an empty shell of a building) that has changed my life.

June 28, 2012
…at 282 pounds I completed my first 60 minute HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING workout at Orangetheory.  I don’t remember it.  I don’t know if I hated life after it.  I don’t remember if it was the most challenging thing I had ever done in my life.  I know I was probably the least fit person in the room.  I know I had to modify just about EVERY exercise in the weight room.  I know my base pace on the treadmill was 3.5 miles per hour.  I know I had to come back and do this workout again!

I spent the majority of my summer (in between trips and weekends away, weddings, camp reunions and a 10 day trip to Poland with 13 teenagers) with the trainers at Orangetheory Fitness.  I participated in their weight loss challenge.  I loved walking in the door every day.  I started logging my food.  My base pace began to increase, well my incline did anyway.  I became infected with Orange pretty much.  I started to find myself missing my workouts when I was out of town for the weekend.  Incredible trainers motivated and fantastic staff greeted each one of us with a smile and help whenever needed.  I remember Aaron taking a few classes with me—though he was an OTF Coach—he practices what he preaches.  Aaron stopped his own work out to help me modify, to help make my workout more successful.  Coaches from other local OTF studios came to our new South Tampa location to make sure we got the support we needed as we began to soar (and grow at an incredible rate.)

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I SAW POUNDS LITERALLY FALLING OFF AND I WAS LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT.

I decided to start rewarding myself for my success.  I decided when I hit 250 pounds I was going to buy myself a custom silver necklace with a charm saying “one step at a time.”  This became my mantra on tough days in the gym… Natalie at Wearable Whispers made me a BEAUTIFUL first charm.

October 2012
Troy doesn’t remember the first conversation we had in the parking lot in June, but once again—Troy says something to me that changed my life forever.  I get out of a class at OTF and there is a message on my phone from Troy.  “We have an opportunity we would like to talk to you about, a way we think we can help you lose 50 pounds by the new year.  Give me a call back and we can talk about it.”  Troy was in the studio and we talked, he asked me to work with one of the coaches at OTF to represent the studio in a 90 day South Tampa Magazine Losing Big competition.  He said I could pick any coach and we would make it happen.  50 pounds by January.  NO WAY, well…maybe…really?  As much as I value, respect, love, adore and could not be where I am today without each and every member of the OTF-South Tampa family…it took me no time to ask Troy whether I could work with Phil Michaels.  On October 4th Phil and I began our adventure.

October 4, 2012
…weigh in day 1 for South Tampa Mag… 245 pounds.  I had already dropped 37 pounds in 3 months with OTF.  I had to hit a plateau soon.  I was TERRIFIED I would not be able to sustain the significant loss I had seen over another 90 days.  

Phil had more confidence in me some days then I had in myself.  As we progressed through the challenge we modified my food choices.  I started to know I could sustain this.  I started making my Shakeology shakes every morning for breakfast—man did that make an incredible difference.  I had a lot of travel this fall too.  Phil worked with me through the weekends.  We prepared plans, I packed snacks.  I skipped youth group meals and brought my own lunches and dinners.  I was enjoying the outcome more than I could enjoy sweets, pizza or fast food EVER!  At some point during late October or early November Phil told me I needed to up my speed and stop relying on the incline on the treadmill…WHAT?  I forgot to mention I started all of this with a broken 5th Metatarsal—(THANKS MATT AND ASHLEY’S AWESOME WEDDING PARTY!)  I was afraid of the soreness…I was afraid of getting hurt.  Gradually I increased to a 4-4.5…wow!

Thanksgiving morning I completed a 5k for the first time without ANY walking…I ran the entire thing, beginning to end.  I heard Phil in my head...once you increase your speed--you don't slow down.  36 minutes and 37 seconds--a PR by at least 8-10 minutes.  As I am writing this I realize I have not processed any of the on an emotional level at all.  I am not sure when I will…I am not sure IF I will…that remains to be seen.

December 12, 2012
…mid-point weigh in.  31.5 pounds down.  I am still enjoying every single work out at Orangetheory.  Even on the early morning-up before the sun-man is Annesley chipper (and rare for me) at 6:15am workouts…I have fun every single time I am in the gym and maybe Troy wasn’t so crazy—maybe I could actually lose 50 pounds by our final weigh in.

Phil helped me strategize for 7 days in a hotel for Winter Regional.  He brought in several of the other trainers in the gym to offer recommendations for our continued success.  We added extra cardio and some additional protein and water.  Every step along the way I felt so much love and support and encouragement from the ENTIRE STAFF of OTF.  From Jessica and Corey and Brian and Justin and Wendy behind the desk when I walked in the door to each and every Coach in the studio.  Nabilah and Annesley with SERIOUSLY STEALTHY workouts in the mornings.  Jeff reminding me to listen to my  body and chill a bit when I was sore and tired.  Phil dancing around the studio through his own foot injury, singing and sharing lots of “YEAH BUDDY” exclamations.  138 Orangetheory Fitness classes later we arrived at final weigh-in day for our South Tampa Magazine challenge.

January 16, 2013
…Tuesday night at 11pm I received a text from Phil that he had a few surprises for me.  I had a 7:30 am workout on the books…but he had additional plans.  Terry (an incredible and innovative businessman and the REASON OTF came to the Tampa Bay area) coordinated a little splurge of an experience for me…he helped keep my mind occupied while we waited for our 4:30pm weigh in.  Getting Phil and Terry’s feedback on clothes for the final picture might have been my favorite part of the day!  And then we were off…Phil and I went to USF Health at TGH for my final weigh in…

AS OF YESTERDAY AT 4:30 PM I HAVE LOST 90 POUNDS WITH ORANGETHEORY FITNESS
(I cannot WAIT to be able to say "I have lost 100 pounds at OTF!  I am sure it is not too far off!)

Yes, during our 90 day challenge Phil and the OTF team helped me lose 53pounds!

Like I said earlier—I have not processed a lot of this emotionally yet.  I thought when the scale read 1xx for the first time I would have more emotion about it.  When it displayed 199.8 I did have an “I can put that on facebook” moment—but in reality, my first thought was OKAY…what’s next?

I ordered my third charm for my necklace—it says “Enjoy the Journey” and Natalie shipped it from Wearable Whispers the day after I ordered it…maybe it will get here before our celebration on Friday night at Fire!  Come join us at 7pm…let’s celebrate…it will be fun!  And truly--I cannot tell you how much I am ENJOYING THIS JOURNEY!

I don’t know what is next…I have set another 25lb goal…and then we will see how I feel at 175.  We’ll see how this new body performs for 99 Problems in the Spring WAKA Breaker league…that’s for sure.

I was well over 200 pounds in middle school and I just don’t know what a healthy adult weight will be for me…but I do know I love where I am.  I love how I got here…I LOVE where I am going.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE CONTINUED SUPPORT!

For now,

LM  

on going back while moving forward

I think anyone who would be reading this post already knows that I credit 2 things for the person I have become today...now I know there are countless others...but the 2 things that made me the person I am today are moving every three or so years from birth-high school and going to summer camp.  Yes, NFTY played a pretty big role too...it is why I am in my current profession...yet, I can't say it changed the essence of who I am as a person.

I spent 18 summers at Camp.  By months, over 2 total years spent in the 28510.  I learned about the person I was.  I processed things I could make better about myself.  I looked up to people I strove to become more like.  My pal Steph wrote a post this week about friends and inherently the value of friendship.  It was at camp I developed the most long-lasting relationships...not just with best friends.  It is the place I met the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with.  I love that we share that common foundation, understood values, concrete life lessons.

It is weird to be sitting here, just over an hour from leaving for the airport...after counting down for this weekend for AGES...and to think about what it means to go back.  It has been almost three years since I drove through those gates.  August 1, 2009 I left camp (a week early) to start my job here in Tampa.  I don't remember much of the 12 hour drive...but as I sit here thinking about it I am getting overly emotional.

I am excited to see all of the updates that have occurred since I left.

I am BEYOND excited to see some special campers, turned counselors...

I am ready for a weekend of relaxation with bests.

I have to confess though, I waited almost 3 years to go back, because I was not sure when I would be ready.  I don't know if I am yet...

Something that was such a huge part of my life for so long...it takes a different set of eyes to see its newfound importance.  I guess I just have to prepare myself for what it will feel like to be a visitor at a place I consider home...

Stay tuned!

for now

LM

on being a summer girl

I was walking through Hyde Park on Saturday afternoon with Chris (after 3D MIB3…very good…I highly recommend…much better than MIB2) and he said something that struck me as so strikingly true…and was such an eye-opener.  I am not even sure if he would remember that he said it.  But...I have been thinking about it since he said it.  We were walking past Brooks Brothers, where I stopped to take a closer look at a navy and white rope printed shift dress, then in the next window a pink and green floral printed a-line skirt.  “I love that” came easily.  We continued around the circle, Williams Sonoma, a little boutique, and then Pottery Barn.  I have always loved Pottery Barn, but this season their shelves are laden with shells and sand, hammered metal, red, white and blue everything…outdoor chic.  That’s when Chris said

“Of course you love it, you love everything summer. it’s your season.”

I replied with a silly laugh and a shrug…he is, of course, right.  The more I have thought about it thought, the more I have realized how true it really is.  Summer is my favorite time of the year.  Summer brings my spirit.  Summer is who I am.  I thrive this time of the year.  I am not talking about that seasonal affected disorder stuff.  I am not saying that in the winter I recess into the dredges of life…I am just saying that summer makes me happy.

I could I suppose hypothesize about why summer makes me so happy.  I am sure there are studies galore that scientifically prove my personal observations.  I am pretty confident I am not the only one that feels this way.

The last 24 hours have left me with a handful of summer moments though  that have echoed and highlighted the way I have felt since Saturday…

I always knew that being a summer camp counselor was an important thing.  I know that I would not be the same person had summer camp not played a role in my life…and the New York Times has put a significant focus on that this past week.  Each day there was a new blog, reflection or article printed about the value of summer camp and the importance of the role of the summer camp counselor.

I have talked about Little Italy before too…those girls were my very last cabin of four-week campers.  Second session (long held as my lesser favorite session at camp) after one of the more challenging, less rewarding (at the time) and most impactful (in hindsight) summers of my life.  A bunch of 8, almost 9 year old girls absolutely changed my life.  Along with the best counselor team ever, we became Little Italy and for countless years we held cabin reunions and visited our cabin plaque, enjoyed root beer floats and oreos, recounted surprise midnight parties and laughed at the same silly stories year after year.

Well, just last night those two points converged in a cosmic moment of joy and reflection.  At 1:21 pm my iPhone chimed with a  new emai, subject line “Now you HAVE to come visit!”  I opened the message from my camp director (yes, she still is and always will be my camp director…no matter how long it has been!) and all that was included was an attachment…a picture…as it downloaded I fond myself staring at two smiling 19 year old young ladies at Staff Week Registration…2 members of Little Italy, now one year of college down and 10 years later…back at Seafarer to change the lives of so many campers!  Whether in their cabin, on the pier, in the classroom, at the swim lake…these two remarkable young ladies changed my life so much (they have no idea) and now they are going to continue that legacy of impacting young lives…and if they are open to it (and I am sure they are) having their lives changed in the process.

So, I am a summer girl.  Summer is who I am.  It is what I love…and I am going to do all I can…I HAVE to go visit…I need the Carolina sun on my shoulders, salt in my hair and spirit in my heart!

on girls and their emotions

You know, emotions are a really funny thing.

As a girl, often we are stereotyped as being “so emotional.”  We get emotional and blame it on our period.  We cry at a movie, reading a story in a magazine, when we hear good news, when we hear bad news.  We are trained that having emotions is a bad thing.  We apologize for the way we feel.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I have to say “I’m sorry” for the way I feel.  It is the way I feel and you can’t tell me if that is okay or not.  I am tired of other people trying to dictate how I am feeling and more than anything I HATE that I don’t always share what I am thinking or feeling with other people because I just don’t feel like fighting the fight when they disagree with me.

You can disagree with what I have to say, but you MUST respect my right to say what I have to say.

Social media has CLEARLY made this world a more critical place and we hide behind it and use it as a vehicle to say what we want to say all while trying to dodge the proverbial bullet of engaging in unwanted, over critical dialogue.

I want to function in a time and place, a space where I don’t have to say “I’m just tired,” to cover disappointment, anger, fear, resentment, disagreement…

Why is it that so often we as women sweep under the run the things that bring us all of these emotions and dismiss them instead of confronting them? 

Is it because it is easier to forget than it is to feel?

Is it because it is easier to carry on then it is to carry the weight on our shoulders?

Is it because we are judged for opening our mouths?

Is it because when we share what we feel we are seen as weak?

for now though...

LM

on loving Charlie Brown

I would never, in a million years, say I had a “normal childhood.”  Now, I know that there are people that have had it FAR worse off than I did.  I mean, all that I REALLY faced was packing up my life and moving every couple of years…saying goodbye to my friends, switching to a new school and starting a new life…
I guess it really isn’t that simple…but we will go with that for now.

What I WAS really, REALLY lucky to grow up with was a close-knit family unit.  Yes, I yelled a lot about how my brother GOT everything and I had to buy it for myself.  How I worked through high school and he had money handed to him through high school.  How from fourth grade through high school he lived in the same place, when I…in that same time span went to 4 different schools in 3 different states…but, like I said…it is what it is…

It is why I am the way I am.

The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how I grew up.  Things I loved when I was little, things I still love now.  Memories.  Life experiences I have had because my parents, my dad in particularly was so intentional teaching me things that he loved and doing things that were fun for him.

THINGS THAT MY DAD DOES NOT LIKE.
Big box stores- don’t even try to use puppy-dog eyes to get him to go to Wal-Mart to go school supply shopping…he hates it there…I think it is because he gets lost in the store and used to be scared he would lose us in the store…

Making left turns- he will make three right ones to avoid a left turn…it is true.

AND…I think that is all I can think of…I don’t really remember my dad being too negative growing up…except there was that one time…

You know, when I left my backpack on top of the negatives chest…and my backpack ended up first on the driveway in the rain…and then in the pool…temper, temper…dad had to pay for those library books that were SOAKED (and a new graphing calculator) but moving on…because this post was supposed to be about something else entirely.

Over the past week my dad has posted a number of pictures on facebook that made me smile.  They are just simple little pictures of items he has collected over the years that he particularly enjoys.  You know, expensive porcelain figurines…and art made out of cigar boxes, and bottle caps…the whole spectrum…

MAKING VALENTINES- as much as I begged my dad to buy growing up…I am certain I enjoyed hand-making Valentines for my class more than filling out those “to” and “from” lines.  In later years this was replaced by making my mailbox for the J-Room Valentines celebration...

SUNDAY COMICS- This is why I decided to write today.  My dad posted a blog about Charlie Brown and Charles Schultz this morning.  He saw a “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown” dinner show last night…apparently it was pretty bad…but it made him think and write about Charlie Brown.  You know, the BLOCKHEAD…the guy whose kite is perennially stuck in the tree, the football is always yanked from his kick…and the ball ALWAYS falls just beside his glove.  I love Charlie Brown.  I always have.  I would ask my dad for the comics in EVERY newspaper.  It took me a really long time to learn that The New York Times did NOT have comics…and it was REALLY the New Jersey Star Ledger I wanted….First I would sit as my dad read the comics to me…and then as I got older I remember trying to read them to him…but reading the comics out loud is kind of an awkward thing if you are not both looking at the illustrations.  It went something like this.  “Well, Charlie Brown is sitting outside the house and Snoopy is laying on top of the dog house and there is one Woodstock in the picture and Charlie Brown says to Snoopy ‘blah blah blah’ “ It didn’t really matter what the dialogue was in the comic strip…but it took about 14 minutes to read an 8 panel comic because I thought it was necessary to fully explain the picture in each panel.  Some days my dad smiled and nodded.  Some days he feigned interest…but I very fondly remember those Sunday mornings…sometimes I even got up early enough to start the coffee and make him a cup…with half and half and sweet n low.

It feels kind of wrong to say it, but I loved that feeling on Sunday…not having anywhere to go…no Sunday school…whatever I could have been taught in those 2 or 3 hours at temple seems minimal compared to time with my dad.  It feels wrong that I now work in a place that takes those moments away from kids and their dad.  Sunday school sucks…okay… back to reminiscing…

FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS- my favorite with my dad!

READING TOGETHER AT NIGHT- We went to the library a LOT when I was little.  I had the speak and spell and the easy reader…all kinds of electronics that robotically told me what words I punched sounded like.  At one point I thought I knew how to read “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish” but I actually had memorized it, because my dad read it to me so many times.  I know my mom read to me a TON…especially when I was really little…she stayed home with me and we went to the park…but I really remember my dad reading to me at night.  Back to the library…we would go all the time…and it seems like every time we went I left with a stack of books.  The same stack of books I had returned just a few days earlier.  My dad read me The Five Chinese Brothers and Ping the Duck and Tikki Tikki Tembo…We read those books about forty two million times each.  We had this little five and dime in Maplewood by the diner where I sometimes got to go and pick out books.  They were literally like a nickel or a dime.  I picked out the Illiad or the Odyssey when I was in like 1st grade…it was a comic version…and I remember making my dad read it to me at night.  I have NO idea what it was about then…but I knew we were reading together.  As I became a more voracious reader…that time with dad at night diminished…and I soon began reading on my own.  I would read before he came to tuck me in…and then with a flashlight for hours after he turned off the light…especially once I got my own room up in the attic (around 2nd grade?)  I love reading books my dad recommends.  I have a very different taste in books.  He loves Vonnegut and Dickens, Business books about sharks and marketing.  I did like Blink…but I would rather read the hot sellers…NYT Bestseller…or really the book with the prettiest cover (yeah, I do judge books by their jackets…it has served me pretty well).  I value reading…It is not easy for me…it takes me a long time to plug through a book and really comprehend them…but thanks dad, I really do enjoy it...

TECHNIQUE OF THE WEEK-  This was my favorite time of the week…I think he liked it at first…but as soon as I came up with a chant to demand some personal attention and art time, it became less of a highlight and more of a burden.  Early Saturday morning (probably too early Saturday morning) I could be heard chanting “teck-neek OF-THE-WEEK” over and over and over and over AND OVER again, until my dad conceded in some form to teach me something artistic.  I learned how to make masks out of gallon milk jugs and paper mache monstrosities, we took paper and crayons out around the neighborhood and made rubbings of sewer grates, drains, tree bark, and one Saturday I think we went to a cemetery and made rubbings of gravestones.  Often, seasonally the technique would be making the aforementioned Valentines cards, carving pumpkins or producing hundreds of family holiday cards.  Some weekends when my dad would not cave to a design project…or maybe even when he did and I was just bored, I would ask my dad to grade my handwriting.  I would sit and meticulously write upper case, lower case, upper case, lower case and when I had made my way from A to Z I brought them in for him to “grade.”  My stylistic expression of bubble-dotted I’s or flourished y tails usually got me points off…and even though I knew they were not technically “right” I would get irritated he graded me down…I also used to have my dad judge my coloring book pictures and grade how well I stayed inside the lines…I was a weird kid…but he always smiled and obliged…

HOMEMADE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES- remember technique of the week?  Well, usually the end of September, early October weekends were filled with creating elaborate Halloween costumes.  I was a bag of Jelly Beans one year…dad’s dry cleaning bag and some blown up balloons…I couldn’t sit down at school…I was a butterfly one year…we used my preschool art paintings to cover cardboard wings…come to think of it…that might have just been a project, not a costume…because I think that was the year my brother was born and right after “The Lindsey Room” was dis-assembled of my wall to wall artwork.  I definitely had my years of being a witch, a ballerina, a vampire…but I was the Empire State Building one year (paper mache boxes…REALLY heavy and I couldn’t get my arms around to the front to hold my trick or treat bag) and then there was the year I was an ATM… we did crayon rubbings at a Nations Bank in Raleigh to get the design just right (see the convergence of all of these techniques of the week pre-Google image search!)  Halloween was my favorite holiday with my dad…costumes, carving pumpkins, trick-or-treating…One of the hardest days of my life was when he left Maplewood for Los Angeles to start a new job…on Halloween…he missed trick or treating…I was in like 1st grade…how the heck does that still make me teary eyed.

ART DIRECTING THE HOLIDAY CARD and the family photo shoots from HELL- art directing….the best time of the year.  Photo day…misery!  I remember my dad used to go up to the attic to work on the card alone.  I remember the year with gold tape.  I remember the year he let me draw it all and photocopied it for the masses.  I remember the first year dad sent store-bought cards.  Now though, I look back and having those pictures from the first 25 years of my life as a family…all in black and white…and beautiful…I am thankful for those miserable 6 hour long, 10 rolls of film to get just the right shot…

I don’t know…I joke sometimes that I love my dad more than my mom.  I know it is not true.  I think I am just CLOSER to my dad than my mom…I like the things he likes.  I get the things he gets.  I enjoy doing nothing and anything with him.

Charles Schultz narrated once that “big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.” But my dad ALWAYS reminded me that one day my LITTLE brother would be a LOT bigger than me (he is 6ft PLUS) and that he could be my best friend…dispite our nearly 4.5 year age difference.  I am so thankful he always reminded me how important our relationship is and will always be!

You know, my dad wrote this blog today about Charlie Brown and Charles Schultz…that is really what made me think about loving the comic, and reading them with my dad, and all the other things I love doing with him...

You’re a good man Charlie Brown
You’re the kind of reminder we need
You’ve got humility, nobility and a sense of honor
that is very rare indeed

My dad is kinda like Charlie Brown.  He might not venture to say it quite like that, he prefers "go Bundy's"…but he really is.  It doesn’t matter how many times the ball gets yanked, he sets up to try and kick it again.  It doesn’t matter how many times the kite gets stuck in the tree…he tries to fly it again next weekend.  It doesn’t matter how many times the baseball team looses it in the bottom of the 9th, he always goes out to play again…and just like Charlie Brown—he is the one rallying the troops and motivating them to have a good game out there, team.

I am a better person because he helped me become this way.

Go Bundy’s.

And since I am thinking about Charlie Brown…I think we can also conclude with a bit of Happiness…

CHARLIE BROWN:
(Spoken)
I'm so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.
It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil.
She's human! It hasn't been such a bad day after all.

(Sung)
HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.

SNOOPY:
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE

LINUS:
TELLING THE TIME.

SCHROEDER:
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.

LINUS:
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

SALLY:
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.

CHARLIE BROWN:
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.

LUCY:
KNOWING A SECRET.

SCHROEDER:
CLIMBING A TREE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.

SCHROEDER:
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

ALL:
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

CHARLIE BROWN:
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

LINUS:
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.

LUCY:
SHARING A SANDWICH.

LUCY AND LINUS:
GETTING ALONG.

ALL:
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.

CHARLIE BROWN:
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

(The cast filters out, waving "good night" to Charlie Brown, but Lucy stays, 
and and stands in silence for a moment before finally saying:)

LUCY:
You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

- He smiles, and the lights go down -

on quotations and reflections

July 16, 2011

I am feeling kind of lost.  I am at this crazy crossroads in so many aspects of my life.  I don’t know really what I am thinking and everything I am feeling changes each day.  There have been times in my life that I have found confidence and assurance and true strength in my surroundings.  It is not just one place, though I cannot lie there is one place that has worked its magic more than once…but as I grow up, and grow away from those phases and places in my life I find it is much more of a struggle to identify what it is that helps me rejuvenate and be the best possible version of my self.

I have not been that person in a really long time.

I am starting to forget what it means to be that way, to feel that selflessness. 

It seems odd that the best version of my SELF is self-less…but it is…and I think I feel like I am so selfish, because I am CONSTANTLY searching for something to make ME feel better.

I am constantly failing.  It feels like that anyway.

I came home tonight conflicted and struggling.  I don’t know why it came up tonight.  I am not even PMSing or anything.  I just think too much.  I am in my head.  Everything seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks when it happens.  I know what is happening around me, but when presented with a new or different situation I turn my head and it feels like, “whoa…where did that come from?”  Even though I was fully aware of what was occurring alongside my existence.

I want to write

I want things to flow easily.

It took looking through a file of quotes and pictures and writing those statements below to even clear my head and straighten my thoughts enough to process anything.  And this hasn’t been much…

Much of your growth as a person will come through hardships and challenges.  Embrace those and know you will be better, stronger and wiser because of them.

-Beatrice

it is a fact of life, there will always be struggles and challenges.  I feel like nobody knows the challenges I face.  I hide them.  I smile and nod.  I hide my feelings and I don’t know that I feel like I am growing anymore.  It scares me to think I am not learning anymore…but is it because I have closed my eyes to it?  I don’t know where to look?  I don’t have anything new to look at?  Who knows…

1.    the path is not straight.

2.    Mistakes need not be fatal.

3.    People are more important that achievements or possessions.

4.    Be gentle with your parents.

5.    Never stop doing what you care most about.

6.    Learn to use a semicolon.

7.    You will find love.

-marion winik

It is so hard to know all of this cognitively…and not really know how to process it all…I get it…no I do not know how to use a semicolon but I do know that it is not supposed to be easy.  We would not know joy if there was not also pain.  We would never learn if we never had the opportunity to make mistakes safely.  I agree with number 3 and 4…duh, and then I get to number 5 and I stumble.  What if I already stopped doing what I cared most about?  How do I know I didn’t?  What if I can never get back there?  What if I don’t even know that I was there?  I failed to stop and look around.  Who knows…

love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

There is that selfish thing again…

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

-woody allen

I want to be innovative.  I am unique, right?  It is fine to think about this…but there is a reality to failure though…there is the recovery.  Every time I fail, I fall farther.  Every time you don’t succeed it becomes harder to try again.

you matter in this world

To someone.  Somewhere.   I just wish I knew my place in this world.  You know, the BIGGER picture…

thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  happiness never decreases by being shared.

-buddha

this yelled at me today…for no reason other than candlelight was Thursday night…just on my mind at the moment…thinking a lot about those quiet songs that settle my spirit and remind me to dance even though I can’t, sing at the top of my lungs and to share beauty and joy with others whenever I can.  I want to find a time and space, a place in the present that makes me feel the way I felt when I could live so selflessly.  Tonight I got a text message from that place of strength and support…a message that said essentially that their CILT this session was a camper I had for starter camp in cabin 43.  Friends, in 2005 we were short SICs for Starter Camp so I happily moved into a cabin for the week.   It is silly, but that little reminder of a simple need and a decision that was in the best interest of others just reminds me that I never get to do that anymore.

I don’t feel like it anyway.

It is interesting.  I work in a religious institution.  I “work Jewish” and I never feel as spiritual, as observant, as holy, as close to God as I have felt there.  I don’t know how to shake that feeling.  It is nagging on my shoulders…always.

close your eyes

clear your heart

let it go

I try.  I really do!  It is a blessing and a curse to have the memory I have.

keep your dreams alive.  understand that to achieve anything requires faith and belief in god (and yourself too) remember to include vision, hard work, prayer, determination, and dedication and the fact that all things are possible to those who believe.

This seems like the statement you would see at a Christian camp…odd hey, that I am the one that sees this as a great reminder.  I know that anything is possible.  I just don’t know why it is that I just can’t seem to believe…in anything, mostly in my self.  It is hard to believe in yourself when the support system doesn’t even know…because I continue to put a smile on my face, I smile, I nod.  I want to believe.  Why can’t I?

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I am so blessed that I don’t think I have been tested there yet…I have challenges…we all do…but I know I have it much easier than SO many…I don’t think I know yet how strong I have to be…

Life is about creating yourself

Who do I want to be?

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.

So how should I know when to create a safety net…and when to let things hit rock bottom?  How rock bottom is too rock bottom?  When is it okay to start picking things back up and trying to piece them together…maybe not BACK together…but into something new, a mosaic maybe?

WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL?

I know but I don’t want to share…because I don’t want to fail…and I still think I could…

Only she who attempts the absurd, can achieve the impossible.

How absurd is too absurd?  Is there really an impossible?

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

I wish I had the courage…maybe I do…

Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  Since birth, it has always been a sign that you’re alive.

But it makes me feel so weak.  And alone.  And defeated.  And broken.  And fragmented. More than anything though it leaves me in a place I don’t know where I am and how to get back where I want to be.  I cry when my tanks are empty and I don’t know how or where to fill them up.

Who would have thought it would end up like this?

Who knows how it really will end…this is not the end…it never really is, maybe just a momentary stopping point…a pause to decide where we go from here…