on going back while moving forward

I think anyone who would be reading this post already knows that I credit 2 things for the person I have become today...now I know there are countless others...but the 2 things that made me the person I am today are moving every three or so years from birth-high school and going to summer camp.  Yes, NFTY played a pretty big role too...it is why I am in my current profession...yet, I can't say it changed the essence of who I am as a person.

I spent 18 summers at Camp.  By months, over 2 total years spent in the 28510.  I learned about the person I was.  I processed things I could make better about myself.  I looked up to people I strove to become more like.  My pal Steph wrote a post this week about friends and inherently the value of friendship.  It was at camp I developed the most long-lasting relationships...not just with best friends.  It is the place I met the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with.  I love that we share that common foundation, understood values, concrete life lessons.

It is weird to be sitting here, just over an hour from leaving for the airport...after counting down for this weekend for AGES...and to think about what it means to go back.  It has been almost three years since I drove through those gates.  August 1, 2009 I left camp (a week early) to start my job here in Tampa.  I don't remember much of the 12 hour drive...but as I sit here thinking about it I am getting overly emotional.

I am excited to see all of the updates that have occurred since I left.

I am BEYOND excited to see some special campers, turned counselors...

I am ready for a weekend of relaxation with bests.

I have to confess though, I waited almost 3 years to go back, because I was not sure when I would be ready.  I don't know if I am yet...

Something that was such a huge part of my life for so long...it takes a different set of eyes to see its newfound importance.  I guess I just have to prepare myself for what it will feel like to be a visitor at a place I consider home...

Stay tuned!

for now

LM

on being a summer girl

I was walking through Hyde Park on Saturday afternoon with Chris (after 3D MIB3…very good…I highly recommend…much better than MIB2) and he said something that struck me as so strikingly true…and was such an eye-opener.  I am not even sure if he would remember that he said it.  But...I have been thinking about it since he said it.  We were walking past Brooks Brothers, where I stopped to take a closer look at a navy and white rope printed shift dress, then in the next window a pink and green floral printed a-line skirt.  “I love that” came easily.  We continued around the circle, Williams Sonoma, a little boutique, and then Pottery Barn.  I have always loved Pottery Barn, but this season their shelves are laden with shells and sand, hammered metal, red, white and blue everything…outdoor chic.  That’s when Chris said

“Of course you love it, you love everything summer. it’s your season.”

I replied with a silly laugh and a shrug…he is, of course, right.  The more I have thought about it thought, the more I have realized how true it really is.  Summer is my favorite time of the year.  Summer brings my spirit.  Summer is who I am.  I thrive this time of the year.  I am not talking about that seasonal affected disorder stuff.  I am not saying that in the winter I recess into the dredges of life…I am just saying that summer makes me happy.

I could I suppose hypothesize about why summer makes me so happy.  I am sure there are studies galore that scientifically prove my personal observations.  I am pretty confident I am not the only one that feels this way.

The last 24 hours have left me with a handful of summer moments though  that have echoed and highlighted the way I have felt since Saturday…

I always knew that being a summer camp counselor was an important thing.  I know that I would not be the same person had summer camp not played a role in my life…and the New York Times has put a significant focus on that this past week.  Each day there was a new blog, reflection or article printed about the value of summer camp and the importance of the role of the summer camp counselor.

I have talked about Little Italy before too…those girls were my very last cabin of four-week campers.  Second session (long held as my lesser favorite session at camp) after one of the more challenging, less rewarding (at the time) and most impactful (in hindsight) summers of my life.  A bunch of 8, almost 9 year old girls absolutely changed my life.  Along with the best counselor team ever, we became Little Italy and for countless years we held cabin reunions and visited our cabin plaque, enjoyed root beer floats and oreos, recounted surprise midnight parties and laughed at the same silly stories year after year.

Well, just last night those two points converged in a cosmic moment of joy and reflection.  At 1:21 pm my iPhone chimed with a  new emai, subject line “Now you HAVE to come visit!”  I opened the message from my camp director (yes, she still is and always will be my camp director…no matter how long it has been!) and all that was included was an attachment…a picture…as it downloaded I fond myself staring at two smiling 19 year old young ladies at Staff Week Registration…2 members of Little Italy, now one year of college down and 10 years later…back at Seafarer to change the lives of so many campers!  Whether in their cabin, on the pier, in the classroom, at the swim lake…these two remarkable young ladies changed my life so much (they have no idea) and now they are going to continue that legacy of impacting young lives…and if they are open to it (and I am sure they are) having their lives changed in the process.

So, I am a summer girl.  Summer is who I am.  It is what I love…and I am going to do all I can…I HAVE to go visit…I need the Carolina sun on my shoulders, salt in my hair and spirit in my heart!

on girls and their emotions

You know, emotions are a really funny thing.

As a girl, often we are stereotyped as being “so emotional.”  We get emotional and blame it on our period.  We cry at a movie, reading a story in a magazine, when we hear good news, when we hear bad news.  We are trained that having emotions is a bad thing.  We apologize for the way we feel.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I have to say “I’m sorry” for the way I feel.  It is the way I feel and you can’t tell me if that is okay or not.  I am tired of other people trying to dictate how I am feeling and more than anything I HATE that I don’t always share what I am thinking or feeling with other people because I just don’t feel like fighting the fight when they disagree with me.

You can disagree with what I have to say, but you MUST respect my right to say what I have to say.

Social media has CLEARLY made this world a more critical place and we hide behind it and use it as a vehicle to say what we want to say all while trying to dodge the proverbial bullet of engaging in unwanted, over critical dialogue.

I want to function in a time and place, a space where I don’t have to say “I’m just tired,” to cover disappointment, anger, fear, resentment, disagreement…

Why is it that so often we as women sweep under the run the things that bring us all of these emotions and dismiss them instead of confronting them? 

Is it because it is easier to forget than it is to feel?

Is it because it is easier to carry on then it is to carry the weight on our shoulders?

Is it because we are judged for opening our mouths?

Is it because when we share what we feel we are seen as weak?

for now though...

LM