July 16, 2011
I am feeling kind of lost. I am at this crazy crossroads in so many aspects of my life. I don’t know really what I am thinking and everything I am feeling changes each day. There have been times in my life that I have found confidence and assurance and true strength in my surroundings. It is not just one place, though I cannot lie there is one place that has worked its magic more than once…but as I grow up, and grow away from those phases and places in my life I find it is much more of a struggle to identify what it is that helps me rejuvenate and be the best possible version of my self.
I have not been that person in a really long time.
I am starting to forget what it means to be that way, to feel that selflessness.
It seems odd that the best version of my SELF is self-less…but it is…and I think I feel like I am so selfish, because I am CONSTANTLY searching for something to make ME feel better.
I am constantly failing. It feels like that anyway.
I came home tonight conflicted and struggling. I don’t know why it came up tonight. I am not even PMSing or anything. I just think too much. I am in my head. Everything seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks when it happens. I know what is happening around me, but when presented with a new or different situation I turn my head and it feels like, “whoa…where did that come from?” Even though I was fully aware of what was occurring alongside my existence.
I want to write
I want things to flow easily.
It took looking through a file of quotes and pictures and writing those statements below to even clear my head and straighten my thoughts enough to process anything. And this hasn’t been much…
Much of your growth as a person will come through hardships and challenges. Embrace those and know you will be better, stronger and wiser because of them.
-Beatrice
it is a fact of life, there will always be struggles and challenges. I feel like nobody knows the challenges I face. I hide them. I smile and nod. I hide my feelings and I don’t know that I feel like I am growing anymore. It scares me to think I am not learning anymore…but is it because I have closed my eyes to it? I don’t know where to look? I don’t have anything new to look at? Who knows…
1. the path is not straight.
2. Mistakes need not be fatal.
3. People are more important that achievements or possessions.
4. Be gentle with your parents.
5. Never stop doing what you care most about.
6. Learn to use a semicolon.
7. You will find love.
-marion winik
It is so hard to know all of this cognitively…and not really know how to process it all…I get it…no I do not know how to use a semicolon but I do know that it is not supposed to be easy. We would not know joy if there was not also pain. We would never learn if we never had the opportunity to make mistakes safely. I agree with number 3 and 4…duh, and then I get to number 5 and I stumble. What if I already stopped doing what I cared most about? How do I know I didn’t? What if I can never get back there? What if I don’t even know that I was there? I failed to stop and look around. Who knows…
love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.
There is that selfish thing again…
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
-woody allen
I want to be innovative. I am unique, right? It is fine to think about this…but there is a reality to failure though…there is the recovery. Every time I fail, I fall farther. Every time you don’t succeed it becomes harder to try again.
you matter in this world
To someone. Somewhere. I just wish I knew my place in this world. You know, the BIGGER picture…
thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. happiness never decreases by being shared.
-buddha
this yelled at me today…for no reason other than candlelight was Thursday night…just on my mind at the moment…thinking a lot about those quiet songs that settle my spirit and remind me to dance even though I can’t, sing at the top of my lungs and to share beauty and joy with others whenever I can. I want to find a time and space, a place in the present that makes me feel the way I felt when I could live so selflessly. Tonight I got a text message from that place of strength and support…a message that said essentially that their CILT this session was a camper I had for starter camp in cabin 43. Friends, in 2005 we were short SICs for Starter Camp so I happily moved into a cabin for the week. It is silly, but that little reminder of a simple need and a decision that was in the best interest of others just reminds me that I never get to do that anymore.
I don’t feel like it anyway.
It is interesting. I work in a religious institution. I “work Jewish” and I never feel as spiritual, as observant, as holy, as close to God as I have felt there. I don’t know how to shake that feeling. It is nagging on my shoulders…always.
close your eyes
clear your heart
let it go
I try. I really do! It is a blessing and a curse to have the memory I have.
keep your dreams alive. understand that to achieve anything requires faith and belief in god (and yourself too) remember to include vision, hard work, prayer, determination, and dedication and the fact that all things are possible to those who believe.
This seems like the statement you would see at a Christian camp…odd hey, that I am the one that sees this as a great reminder. I know that anything is possible. I just don’t know why it is that I just can’t seem to believe…in anything, mostly in my self. It is hard to believe in yourself when the support system doesn’t even know…because I continue to put a smile on my face, I smile, I nod. I want to believe. Why can’t I?
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
I am so blessed that I don’t think I have been tested there yet…I have challenges…we all do…but I know I have it much easier than SO many…I don’t think I know yet how strong I have to be…
Life is about creating yourself
Who do I want to be?
Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.
So how should I know when to create a safety net…and when to let things hit rock bottom? How rock bottom is too rock bottom? When is it okay to start picking things back up and trying to piece them together…maybe not BACK together…but into something new, a mosaic maybe?
WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL?
I know but I don’t want to share…because I don’t want to fail…and I still think I could…
Only she who attempts the absurd, can achieve the impossible.
How absurd is too absurd? Is there really an impossible?
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I wish I had the courage…maybe I do…
Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you’re alive.
But it makes me feel so weak. And alone. And defeated. And broken. And fragmented. More than anything though it leaves me in a place I don’t know where I am and how to get back where I want to be. I cry when my tanks are empty and I don’t know how or where to fill them up.
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Who knows how it really will end…this is not the end…it never really is, maybe just a momentary stopping point…a pause to decide where we go from here…
